From Frozen Fish-Sticks to Spicy Sashimi

Last night I watched a relatively gruesome-looking man try and hook a lovely young lady at the bar on one of our nightlife tours. Within three minutes he had been ignored, and then slapped, had a drink thrown in his face… and not half an hour later was getting in a cab with her…

This girl was as approachable as a bar of Swiss Toblerone: the chocolate tastes good, but the sharp corners and crunchy bits will cut you up before you get there! Unless you’re Brad Clooney or Johnny Cruise, you probably wonder why so many women make you feel about as welcome as a fart in the fog. Nowhere is this phenomenon more evident than at the bar, where men scramble through puddles of their own dribble to crack out their favorite pickup line, and their innocent victims can do little but to play dead. As we have observed, women tend to deal with the average try-hard at the bar much like a persistent Jehovah’s Witness at the front door: ignore him until he buggers off and make sure he doesn’t try to stick his grubby fingers through your letter box.

It strikes me that there must be some evolutionary explanation for this behavior and that, no-matter how hardnosed the heartless prude pretends to be, there must also be a way around it. “Of course”, you proclaim, “girls have to be rude or they would waste all their time talking to losers and rejecting them anyway!”… but if this were the full picture my protagonist from last night would probably still be wiping Caipirinha from his face rather than having it licked off, which I can only presume to have been his fate. No, there is something more to it all…

The next obvious theory is that playing ‘hard to get’ makes a lady seem more attractive, as she is seen as a more sought-after mate (and more worthy bearer of our children). To test this, female participants in a dating agency were asked to answer the phone in one of two ways whenever a man called to arrange a date. On half the calls they were to accept immediately (making them seem ‘easy’), whilst on the other half they would pause for a few moments, explain that they had received uncountable other offers and only then, would rather begrudgingly arrange to meet for just a coffee (‘hard to get’). When the men were asked to rate how attractive the girl was in each case, guess what… no difference.

This is fantastic news: Girls aren’t pouring drinks over us to make themselves more attractive, they’re doing it to make us more attractive! All we have to do is bring a towel. Let me explain: I’ve noticed that, unless you find yourself being carried away by the bouncer, your path to success is simply to show the lady you’re not scared and to make a good first impression. For instance, the average girl at a bar will have been asked how often she goes there, where she works and whether she’s thirsty by about fifty naïve buffoons in the last half hour. Talk about something fun (politics, work, or religion perhaps…no don’t, I’m being sarcastic) and stop taking everything you ask her so seriously… and once in a while, if you really want to nock her socks off, try listening to her.

As the great philosopher, Hitch once taught us, 93% of what you say “ain’t comin’ out your mouth”. Try imagining what your current body language would sound like as a voice and you’ll notice it’s about as poetic as a rusty tin-opener. A 20 year-old guy asked 120 women in a nightclub to dance, but during half the approaches touched the girl lightly on the arm – this increased his success rate by 22%! This touch is only registered subconsciously but shows a girl you have power and status. Likewise, you can create chemistry by mirroring her body language and facial expressions (please try your best to do this without looking weird). You don’t have to start putting on lipstick or twiddling your hair every time she does, but you’ll be surprised how much more quickly she’s attracted to you if your body is flirting as much as your words.

You have minutes, sometimes seconds, to make a good first impression and to thaw out that shoulder of hers. So don’t leave in shock and horror if she doesn’t crawl down your mouth the moment you approach, just relish the opportunity to show her how much more confident and fun you are than the last guy. Go fishing with this advice in mind and before you can say ‘spicy sashimi’ she’ll be tickling your tackle all the way home.

Happy Weekend!

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